As you go through life you're going to run in to people that you just don't like. There are also going to be times where people you care about do things that hurt your feelings and/or make you really angry. It's inevitable. When that happens, more often than not, people tend to become spiteful and they look to retaliate. While there may be a few scenarios where retaliation is the best option, it usually isn't. The fact is that there are two sides to every story.
Most of the time conflicts are caused by PERCEIVED incompatibility or wrong doing, and not by what's actually fact. Taking the time too calmly look at both sides of the situation and to take in to account the motivations of your perceived adversary, a lot of conflict situations can be easily avoided or resolved. This can you from a lot of fighting and hurt feelings.
No one is perfect and everyone can be annoying at sometimes. Those are the times that it's most important to focus on the good things about the person and not over react like your emotions are telling you to. The more friends you have in life the better and a little empathy goes a long way.
Here's some very interesting stuff on this topic from a book I'm reading: Forgiveness can be a road to higher levels of psychological maturity. Famous psychologist Dr. Otto Kernberg argued that people with immature personality structures fixated at more primitive stages of development see themselves and the world in black and white terms. Mature personalities, by contrast, are capable of maintaining more realistic images of self and others that integrate both good and bad aspects. True forgiveness means acknowledging your anger at someone who has hurt you without demonizing them. Without minimizing the gravity of the offense you are able to recall your positive memories of the offender, and still have empathy for them, as you struggle to integrate your conflicting feelings into one realistic image of who they are.
For those of you who know about my personal friendship history, this explains why I have done some of the things that I have. What I try to do is look at the situation on a scale and keep the good things about the person in my mind while making the measurements. As long as there are enough good things about the person or the relationship in question and they haven't hurt you physically or habitually hurt you mentally/emotionally then you owe it to yourself to GROW UP and give them a second chance. Also keep in mind that all of your friends aren't going to be on the same level of closeness and trust. You can forgive someone and continue the relationship without going back to how things used to be. Forgive, but learn from the past and never forget. That's a little bit of my opinion on the matter. You're welcome in advance. What's yours? What do you think?
I would have to agree with your last points about making amends, but not having to return to the same level of friendship. I cant remember how many times I have floated on both sides of that dirty river and regretting not making amends, whether I cared to continue the same friendship or not. Those situations where I chose the higher road are naturally the ones I now feel positively about.
ReplyDeleteBravo on the posts by the way. I saw your POF profile and had to check it out..