Have you seen someone wearing something stupid that made you mad? I have. I decided to make a list of the worst.I’m writing this with the idea that all of my peers have the same fashion goals as me. Of course, that’s impossible. So, if my goals don’t resemble yours, this doesn't apply to you. You keep rocking that Elmo t-shirt and your animal-print bracelet earrings. You go girl!
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2) Holiday Atire=Holidays Only: -Some folks live in a world where it’s Halloween everyday. They think it’s cool to wear skulls, dye their hair pink, throw on a little school girl skirt with a mesh top, and just live life. While I respect their right to do that, it’s annoying. You look like you got dressed in the dark. Christmas sweaters are cute, on Christmas day, in front of the damn tree while Grandma takes a picture. That’s the only time. Christmas parties have their own rules. December 25th is the only day of the year it’s ok to impersonate Santa or walk around dressed like a candy cane. No exceptions. Easter is on a Sunday in April. Other than that day, if you wear a white cotton dress with random floral-ness that goes past your knees, you’re gonna piss me off. It’s not ok to substitute your Easter dress as an outfit for Broadway unless they’re throwing a surprise egg hunt only you know about. If you wear an Easter dress to Broadway, I will expect you to let me help you find the secret eggs. (I love egg hunts!) |
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3)Pants Make (or Break) an Outfit: -“Just because it zips, doesn’t mean it fits.”-Joan Rivers. Just because you can (miraculously) button those size 4 jeans, doesn’t mean you’re still a size 4. It’s not ok to walk around with your spare tire always chillin’ right there for us to see. It’s awkward. I have no room to talk about muffin top, and I’m no size 4, but I look normal because I buy pants the size I am NOW. You should too. (Please!) Contrary to popular belief, tights are not pants. They kinda resemble pants, so I understand the confusion, but please, (stay with me here) they aren’t the same. Tights were designed to go underneath something. When worn alone, they’re not flattering, unless your body is perfect, which it’s not. Do us all a favor, save us from the camel toe, and put on real pants designed to be pants. Low rise jeans are evil. But you can be proactive with this dilemma. Think ahead. If you’re wearing low rise jeans, a high rise shirt, and normal rise undies, what’s gonna happen? Do the math. You’re going to be showing your ass when you sit down. Get a long undershirt to cover your crack and stop shopping at Hollister. Buy some normal jeans that don’t quit doing their job after you sit down. |
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| 4) Only Dress Like a Hoe to Make Money: |
-If you have kids to feed, your rent is late, you’re illiterate, and cool with breaking a few little laws, then by all means strap on those clear gold fish heals and that little sequin dress. Shake what you’re Momma gave ya and make that money! I can totally respect that. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
However, if you don’t pay rent, you don’t have kids, or you can read, then the outfit described above is not acceptable. Also, no one can walk in those mile high heals without ending the night with them in her hand or waddling home like a duck, in terrible pain the whole way. It’s not worth it. Save yourself the grief and wear shoes you can walk in. You’ll be glad you did.
Some women have amazing bodies. Big boobs, cute ass and a perfect stomach. That’s great. But, just because you’re body looks great, doesn’t mean that everyone in public wants to see it. Just because you can wear 1/3rd of a shirt with a mini-mini skirt and look great, doesn’t mean you should. Have some class, leave a little room to the imagination.
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| 5)Pick Jewelry That Works For You, Not Against You: |
-Jewelry can be your best friend or your worst enemy. The right necklace makes a good outfit spectacular. The wrong necklace makes you look like an idiot. Don't wear a gaudy necklace that spells out your name, has a fairy sword on it, or looks like you got it out of a candy machine. Butterflies, penguins, and unicorns are not acceptable accessories outside of 3rd grade.
Hoop earrings piss me off. They’re cumbersome, dangers, and ugly. If it’s big enough to fit around your wrist, then by no means should you attach it to your ear! You look like the gypsy hooker from the original version of Aladdin!Why!?!?!?!?!
1 or 2 bracelets are always a great option for sprucing up an out fit. 10 or 15 bracelets and you look like you just robbed the jewelry stand at the flea market. Be a man, pick just one, and put the rest back in the jewelry box. Thank you.
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| 6) Only Dress Like a Teacher if You Teach: -Your early 20’s aren’t the time for turtle necks, bows, blazers, capris, or knit sets. Evern if you’re a parent, you don’t have to dress like you’re 45. That all comes with time, like 20 years. Now is the time for colors and experiments. Grandmas wear beige. Beige is boring. Avoid it at all costs. Brown isn’t much better when worn by itself with no accent color. No one looks good in beige. Except for teachers, who love it for some reason. If you share a fashion philosophy with your grandmother and you’re 25, seek help immediately, before it’s too late. Forget capri pants. Be decisive. Pant’s or shorts? Get off the fence and take a stand. You owe to yourself and to all Americans who are tired of seeing women galavanting around in half pants they like to call capris. There’s a fine line between sophisticated and frumpy, so watch your self. |
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| 7) When Making Bad Decisions, Avoid Permanent Ones: -Your love for dolphins might fade, but that tattoo above your ass crack you got as a 17 year old aspiring Sea World trainer won’t. Passions can change, but Flipper is permanent. Tattooing is a beautiful ancient art form. However, like most things, it's often abused. Tattoos are great, unless they’re dumb tattoos. Do you really need the plot points of a Disney movie permanently etched below your armpit? And come on people, no one is really THAT into butterflies. Think before you ink. Your face is the most unique and beautiful thing about you. Do you really think that sticking a metal bar through any part of it is actually going to make you look better? And why would you pay money and go through pain like that for something that isn’t going to make you better and will cause problems later. Maybe if your face is hideous and you’re trying to distract attention from the scariest parts, other than that, no. The last thing I’m going to say about this topic is that I’d really like to meet someone who got a lower back tattoo (more commonly referred to as a “tramp stamp”) and doesn’t regret it and/or wish they’d gotten it some where else. I’ve never met anyone who fits that description. Enough said. |
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8) Animal Print Isn't Worth the Risk: -For a lot of people every day is a safari. Animal print has its very own niche in the fashion jungle. Love it or hate it, it’s a staple and it’s here to stay. So, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Just make sure you do it the right way so you don’t end up looking like a New Jersey housewife circa 1982. When dealing with animal print, ask yourself one question, “how much am I willing to have in common with Snookie from the Jersey Shore?” then go from there. You don’t want to end up looking fierce, not funny. Be a minimalist, pair the print with a neutral, and never get carried away. Don’t walk around looking like today’s version of Cruella Deville. Please. Oh, and adding colors like hot pink and lime green only make a bad idea worse. The only thing worse than walking around looking like a zebra, is waking around looking like a diseased zebra. Take the risk if you must, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. |
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