Have You Ever Had a Frenemy? I sure have, it really sucked. A "frenemy" is defined as, simply, an enemy disguised as a friend. I've experienced it more than once now. It's a difficult and painful experience but knowing what happened to you and why can help you cope and move on more easily. Here are a few articles that I found especially helpful in dealing with my "frenemies" in the past.
**Here are some articles I found online...**
-You've been stabbed in the back by someone you thought was your friend. They may have lied about you, tried to damage your reputation and your self-esteem,tried to make a fool of you in front of a group you care about, maybe even tried to hurt your career.
Worse yet, you let them get close enough to really get to know you, your life, and how you think... in other words, you let them get close enough to really hurt you. Small comfort, but none of this is your fault.
Your "frenemy" is really the one with the problem. They are either evil, jealous, manipulative, mean, calculating, malicious, competitive (did I say EVIL?) -- or a combination of all of these. In other words, they are not a nice person. In fact, they are scary - willing to do whatever they have to do to advance themselves or their agenda. You didn't do anything to deserve this -- you only trusted someone who didn't deserve your trust. So how do you know if you have a frenemy and what do after you realize that you do? Here are 7 steps to help you figure out if it really is a frenemy that you're dealing with.
How to Spot a Frenemy: 7 Steps
Step 1
-Understand frenemy variations. Frenemies can range from calculatingly callous and manipulative to obliviously selfish and unkind. Just because a person doesn't "mean" to be mean doesn't erase the hurtful impact. Sometimes an unaware insult is more damaging than a deliberate jab.
Step 2
-Pay attention to how you act in the presence of your potential frenemy. Do you recoil at the thought of spending time with her? Do you clam up whenever he comes around? Do you often talk bad about her to others? Do you feel competitive when he discusses work, hobbies, love life or finances? If you continually act less than the highest, most loving, centered version of yourself when the two of you get together, take note. A frenemy may be in your midst.
Step 3
-Trust your initial reactions. The first feelings we have about people and situations are the most accurate. These pure, uncensored observations give us all the information we need to classify somebody as a frenemy. You do yourself a disservice (not to mention set yourself up for more abuse) by analyzing interactions, questioning whether or not you are being too sensitive or making excuses for why a person behaves the way they do. If you feel like you've just received an emotional kick in the gut, then you have just received an emotional kick in the gut. No analysis needed!
Step 4
-Look for patterns. If somebody lets you down or acts insensitively on occasion, that doesn't necessarily qualify him or her for frenemy status. Humans are flawed and friendships inevitably follow suit. On the other hand, a person who continually uses you for his or her personal agenda, dishes out insults, breaks promises, ignores your requests or manipulates you with passive-aggressive behavior goes beyond the acceptable friendship margin of error.
Step 5:
-Acknowledge your paradoxical feelings. Frenemies are hard to decipher because most of the time they have as many, if not more, positive qualities than negative ones. Frenemies will often share your interests and values; if you didn't have these things in common, it would be easy to qualify your frenemies as enemies and move them off your emotional radar entirely. Love-hate relationships are typical for frenemies.
Step 6
-Compare and contrast. When trying to decide if a friend is actually a frenemy, weigh the person in question against somebody who you know with complete certainty is a friend. Personality traits become more apparent when viewed this way.
Step 7
-Seek validation. If you can't sort it out, talk to a trusted friend or mentor. Perspective from a third party can help you get clear about the nature of your mucky, indefinable relationships.
---So what do you do after you've realized that you have a frenemy in your life? Here are 6 steps that will help you a lot. They really helped me make the best out of the terrible situation.---
How to Handle a Frenemy: 6 Steps.
Step 1:
-This is hard, but please, please, please continue with your life as if nothing has happened. No matter how much you've been hurt, paste a smile on your face and keep moving forward. When you see the frenemy, smile and keep moving. Practice the "SO good to see you..." greeting -- saying it with a smile as you keep walking purposefully forward.
Step 2:
-If you can, keep your distance from that person - they are toxic. They might not be toxic to everyone, but for some reason they are toxic to you. If you have to be with or near them, be pleasant - don't offer any information about yourself or anyone close to you. Stick to the weather as your major topic of conversation.
Step 3:
- Bite your tongue and only discuss the situation with one or two people that you trust absolutely...preferably family members or professionals. If the frenemy is at your place of employment, DO NOT discuss with this with coworkers, even though you will be sorely tempted. Your objective is to contain and control the damage --- and not to let the frenemy know how much they've hurt you. Don't give them that satisfaction.
Step 4:
-Keep your head up, keep smiling, and keep moving --- fast. Remember - it is harder to hit a moving target. The more you act like nothing is wrong, the less people will believe whatever the frenemy is saying or has said about you. Also, if you're not saying anything, whatever happened will soon cease to be a topic of conversation. Small comfort to know that many people have suffered pain like this --- many, many people have been badly hurt by people they have trusted.
Step 5:
-Use this as a learning experience --- don't let it happen again. Think back on your relationship with this frenemy. Weren't you getting little clues about them all along? Didn't you feel something wasn't exactly right, but couldn't put your finger on it? We've all been blessed with a sixth sense --- you just weren't tuned in to yours in this instance. Learn from this - Make a vow to yourself to pay attention to your sixth sense or inner voice from now on. If something doesn't feel right about a person ---if they are too interested in you too quickly, if they ask questions that make you uncomfortable, if things don't feel exactly right --- back off. There are plenty of nice, caring, genuine people in the world --- stay away from those that aren't.
Step 6:
-Don't ever let the bad guys see you cry --- SMILE! Being hurt by someone you thought was a friend is a painful, painful experience ---try to remember that this too shall pass --- the pain will lessen every day...hard to believe, but true. Speed up your internal healing by making a conscious decision to let go of your feelings and to forgive your frenemy. Allowing the frenemy and the pain they have caused to affect your life, thoughts, or feelings gives them a power over you that they don't deserve, and that you should not allow.
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